So here’s what’s it gonna be. I’m gonna try to go and write about my day for the next 30 days. That if I can manage to do it, since I’m no constant at all.
Yesterday I decided that I wasn’t going to school today, so I didn’t. I told my mother my classes started at 10.30 (which was a lie, since it started at 9.45), so she wouldn’t wake me up to get ready.
I felt unfaithful to my values, ashamed of my behavior, like I was breaking every single rule I had. It hit me a while after it happened. I know it wasn’t a big fucking deal, hell, it didn’t even happen ! But …oh boy, I don’t think it would have felt much different from what it did. I experienced such emptiness, like I was disappearing and becoming invisible. I don’t blame him, I’m sure it would’ve been the same with anyone; is just that he and I know it’s not right.
I feel like I almost betrayed myself. Almost- because I stopped before things went too far. The situation between us is already strange. Strange AND complicated would be just too much for me to handle.
Lately I’ve been trying to come up with a character. I always imagine things and situations that are really not likely to happen to me, but I need them to happen to someone, I can’t throw away my imagination like that. That’s why I created Lyla. She’s my complete opposite. She’s nice, self-confident, pretty and fearless. I’m hoping she’s going to live everything I can’t. I hope my words and writing turn her world into something mine can’t. There’s nothing she can’t do. I won’t let myself stop her. I won’t.
